Murdbonez

Fantasy Football Advice From My Exclusive Subscribers-Only ESPN Fantasy Football Package

2008-08-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Adrian Peterson, Minnesota - RB

ESPN says: Peterson is a lock to be a top 5 fantasy player this year, barring any injuries, of course. Definitely take him if you have a top five pick in your league.

ESPN Insider says: Peterson averaged 5.6 yards a carry last year and should definitely get plenty of touches, but last week in practice he appeared to be clutching his hamstring after several drills. Potential owners should monitor this situation as it develops.

ESPN Fantasy Edge says: Peterson's the man. He scored 12 touchdowns despite missing time last season, and should definitely be a top two pick. And as for that "hamstring injury" last week, don't worry, that's just a little something Peterson faked to throw off those Insider clowns. Peterson assured us here at Fantasy Edge that he's feeling fine and is ready for another spectacular season.

Tom Brady, New England - QB

ESPN: The best quarterback in fantasy football should have another MVP-caliber season. Take around the mid to late first round in deep leagues.

ESPN Insider: Brady seems to be the consensus choice for best quarterback in fantasy, but yesterday during passing drills he seemed to clutch his elbow after throws, causing many to speculate on a possible injury. Check back for more details during the week.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Brady's the obvious choice for best quarterback, don't listen to those jack-offs at Insider. After practice yesterday he invited a few Edge reporters to his place for some cocktails and Guitar Hero III, and trust me, his elbow is looking fine. A sure-fire first-rounder.

ESPN Insider: What the hell, Edge? We can read what you're saying about us! Also, we may not have been invited to his post-practice cocktail/Guitar Hero party, but he did give us some free jerseys after practice. Draft Brady late in the first round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: Last night, we at Platinum Plus broke into Brady's house, knocked him unconscious and drove him in a van to our subterranean facility, where we ran tests on every part of his body. The elbow seems to have healed, though a bone marrow biopsy revealed his platelet count to be slightly below average. Check back for more details this week, but he's too risky to draft in the first third rounds.

Marques Colston, New Orleans - WR

ESPN: Colston proved himself a top 5 fantasy wide receiver last year. Don't let him fall past the third round in your league's draft.

ESPN Insider: Yesterday Colston invited the Insider crew over to his house after practice for some bocce and nachos along with the Edge dudes. It was real chill. His hamstring problems appear a thing of the past.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Agreed. Colston's a solid bro, and Insider, you need to work on your bocce tossing, am I right? Just kidding man, you guys are cool. Take Colston in the late third round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: We shrunk down a team of scientists and injected them inside Colston's body last week. The scar tissue around his pulled hamstring worried us, but what we found in his DNA printout scared us more than anything. Genetically speaking, Colston's 1.15% more likely than the average population to contract colon cancer by the age of 60. We're not sure how this will effect his status for the season opener, but check back for more updates. Don't take earlier than the fifteenth round.

Clinton Portis, Washington - RB

ESPN: Portis should be a top ten back again this year. He's been consistently productive for many seasons now and will be the focal point of the Redskins offense.

ESPN Super-Platinum Plus Premium: Look, you gotta listen to me. We ran some tests here at the Super-Platinum Plus Premium facilities, and our advice is this: Don't draft any players this year. Not a single one. They're all injured.

My Attractive Face

2008-07-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

Biologically speaking, I have an attractive face. Lots of women look at me and say, in these exact words, "Boy, that guy's attractive face suggests that his genes would prove beneficial to our potential offspring." You bet your bottom dollar it does, ma'am. What can I say? I have dark bedroom eyes, an un-diabetic looking smile, and a broad jawline that whispers "Hey baby, our kids will have an extremely low chance of being born colorblind." Still not ready to reproduce, ladies? Well check out my high forehead, which, when furrowed, vaguely resembles the DNA sequence for a low waist-to-shoulder ratio. Or my mouth, which is evolutionarily designed to protect potential offspring from hot foods by blowing on them.

When I think about it, though, my most biologically attractive facial feature doesn't have to do with symmetry or strong brows or nice eyes. The most attractive quality, the thing that really makes human females say "Wow, this guy's ready to mate," would have to the huge erect penis protruding from the middle of my face where a nose should be.

The Bible

2008-05-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

A lot of people call the Bible "The greatest story ever told," but I don't know...they must not have seen that movie Memento. Now that shit will blow your mind!

Magic Eye

2008-05-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

-Look, it's one of those Magic Eye posters!
-Oh man, these things drive me nuts.
(squinting)
Jeez, I can't tell what it is. Maybe an airplane or a giraffe?
-Here let me try, I'm actually really good at these.
(squinting)
Oh my...oh my god.
-What is it?
-I think it's...it's a portal to Hell. Yes, there's the great sea of fire, there are the human souls burning like embers above the conflagration, just like the Our Lady of Fatima apparitions of 1917. And there's Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Dear god, he's...he's looking at me and laughing. He's taunting me, showing me my entire life, how I'll die alone, old and penniless. Now my soul is chained to a rock and...No, no it's too much, Lucifer! Please, have mercy upon my soul!
(he collapses and begins speaking in tongues)
-Whoa, you are good at these things. Lemme try again...
(squints)
Oh yeah, yeah, now I see it. It is Hell! Heh, I wonder how they make these things...

Somewhere in China...

2008-03-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

(A father is driving with his family. They are stopped at a stop sign)

Father: Uh-oh, kids, guess what?
Kids: What?
Father: American fire drill!
Kids: Yay!

(All family members exit in an orderly fashion, make sure the car is safe, then re-enter, sitting in the same seats as before)

Superman

2008-03-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Lois Lane: Clark, I want to talk to you about something; I've been worried about your safety lately.
Superman: Lois, I'm Superman. Virtually nothing can hurt me!
Lois: Yes I know, but it's this Kryptonite substance that concerns me.
Superman: Ah don't worry, it's indigenous to my home planet Krypton, which was destroyed when its sun exploded, millions of light years from Earth.
Lois: That's what I thought at first, but your enemies are constantly getting their hands on it to use against you. Remember when Lex Luthor challenged you to a fight in his sub-aquatic hideout only to ambush you with Kryptonite? Or when Brainiac offered you a truce but when you shook his hand it turned out he was hiding Kryptonite in his glove?
Superman: (about to sit on piece of Kryptonite) Well, I guess I'll just try to keep an eye out for it in the future--
(Lois grabs him, throws Kryptonite out window)
Lois: Clark, you almost sat on that piece of Kryptonite!
Superman: Haha, what a blooper that would've been.
Lois: Blooper? You could've really been hurt! You have super-vision, super-smell, and nearly all other kinds of super senses. Can't you somehow detect this stuff from far away?
Superman: Gee, you're right, I really should--
(Superman is about to take a bite of a sandwich, Lois knocks it away)
Lois: Clark, that sandwich had Kryptonite in it!
Superman: Haha, man, talk about a brain fart.
Lois: Jesus, Clark...you could've...you could've died.

Medical Drama Strike

2008-03-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Although the writer's strike has ended, few people know that there's still another ongoing strike yet to be resolved--the Medical Drama Consultants Guild strike. Many medical dramas (or "med-drams") employ these consultants to fill in complex medical jargon most drama writers would otherwise not know of, but I'm sure despite this strike this season's med-drams (or "m-ramas") will still be as riveting as ever. Let's take a sneak peak:

Nurse Sanders: Doctor, we need you in the emergency room immediately, we're losing a patient!
Dr. Wells: God dammit, not on my shift!
(enters operating room)
Dr. Jenkins: We're not quite positive, but we think he has leukemia of the face, sir.
Dr. Wells: Jenkins, I need 100 cc's of scalpel! And fire up the de-bloodulator, this man's heart is about to spontaneously combust.
Dr. Jenkins: But Doctor, shouldn't we use some sort of uh...like cutting device...and make a...cut...around the patient's...tum-tum?
Dr. Wells: Make a Class 5 incision in the stomach bone?! There's no time. Bring me those little shocking thingies that automatically save a person's life.
Dr. Jenkins: Alright, shock thingies set to a million volts.
Dr. Wells: And clear!
Dr. Jenkins: Huh?
Dr. Wells: Ya know, "clear"! It's a thing I heard someone shout in an action movie once. It means like "go"!
Dr. Jenkins: Ah ok.
(administers shock, the patient wakes up)
Patient: Oh thank god, you saved me, doctor!
Dr. Wells: Nurse, can you hand me the uh...flat plastic surface, used for making writings on...
(Nurse hands him a clipboard)
Dr. Wells: Well, looks like the operation is complete. So...I guess we do some sort of celebration dance now?

Investment Banking Interview

2008-03-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

Businessman: It says here on your resume that you were number one in your class at Princeton.
Arthur: Yes, sir.
Businessman: Fantastic, just splendid. We sure could use a number cruncher like yourself here at the company. Now I just have to ask you a few questions. What's the square root of 783?
Arthur: Roughly 27.982, sir.
Businessman: Ah, very good. How about this--A man is on his way to the local marketplace to sell a fox, a chicken and some grain. He has to cross a river, and his boat is just big enough to carry him and one of the other three. When he arrives at the river, he knows he's got a problem. If he leaves the fox and the chicken, the fox eats the chicken. Otherwise, if he leaves the chicken and the grain, the chicken eats the grain. How does the man get the fox, the chicken and the grain to the other side of the river?
Arthur: (thinks briefly) Well first, the man brings the chicken to the other side. Then he goes back, takes the fox and brings him to the other side. Then he takes the chicken back, picks up the grain and leaves that with the fox on the other side. Then he picks up the chicken from the other side and continues his way to the marketplace.
Businessman: (writing this down) I see, very impressive.
Arthur: Are these questions to test my computational and logic skills, sir?
Businessman: Um...yeah...computational and logic skills...of course, sure. Well, that concludes the interview, thank you Mr. Andrews, we'll be in touch.
Arthur: Thank you, sir.
(Arthur exits. The Businessman quickly picks up the phone and dials)
Businessman: Schwartzman, I think I know how we can do this.

CUT TO:
A river bank. Schwartzman, another businessman, is holding a bag of grain, a chicken in a cage, and a fox on a leash. He speaks into a cell phone.

Schwartzman: Oh thank god, sir. I've tried everything, but this chicken keeps getting into the grain and then next thing I know the damn fox's got her head in his mouth. Jesus, we're gonna lose this KKR deal if I don't get make these three shipments on time...
Businessman: Pull your shit together, Schwartzman, and listen to me! Okay so first, you gotta take the chicken to the other side...

WikiHow: How to Write the Great American Novel

2008-02-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Writing the great American novel may seem difficult, but by following these steps, it will become quite easy!

1. Think of a setting. Maybe a Midwestern farm or a major metropolitan area?

2. Create some characters.

3. Write a plot with a rising and falling action, and plenty of conflict.

4. Reach into the metaphysical depths of the human condition while siphoning the zeitgeist of an entire era. It may help to do this by taming the blazing desire that brightly burns in the inner recesses of every American's soul, then offer an improbable yet attainable solution for a future ravaged by fatalistic suffering and unrequited needs.

5. Come up with a catchy title!

Desperation Time

2008-02-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

After surfing through the interbutts today I was shocked and disappointed to find my blog was not quite as popular as Gawker yet. Below are some schemes I thought of that should boost this site's hit count:

A Desperate Attempt at Boosting this Blog's Hits

Hey, have you heard the latest gossip about Paris Hilton? What about the Britney Spears? Or that Blue-Ray disc? No? Too bad then. Now if you'll excuse me, I should get back to this Chicken Recipe I've been working on.

A desperate attempt at getting Blogspot's attention

Hey, Blogspot.com! Your blogging services are of substandard quality!

A desperate attempt at getting the attention of an old high school friend

Hey, Tim Hahn! Your jumpshot in high school was of substandard quality!

Threesome Morning After

2008-01-30T20:58:00.000-08:00

Phil: Hi Marisa, this is Phil, from the threesome last night.
Marisa: Oh hey, Phil! How's it going?
Phil: Good. Um, this is kinda awkward for me, I've never had a threesome before and I don't really know--
Automated voice: TINA has entered the conference call.
Phil: Wait, what?
Marisa: I invited Tina. You know, the other girl in our threesome last night. Hey, Tina!
Tina: Hi guys! Are you as sore as I am? Haha!
Phil: Uh, yeah so what I wanted to say, Marisa, was that I think I have some feelings--
Marisa: You have soft hands.
Phil: Huh? Well, thanks I guess but-
Marisa: Oh no, I was talking to Tina.
Tina: Thanks!
Automated voice: KEITH has just entered the conference call.
Keith: What up biznitches!?
Marisa: Yo Keith!
Tina: Sup?
Phil: What? Who's Keith?
Marisa: Oh we forgot to mention...Keith hid in the closet during the threesome. He likes to watch.
Keith: Don't worry, you were totally hot, man!
Phil: Ah jeez, guys, this all feels really weird. Maybe you're used to all this kinky sex stuff, but I'm just a regular guy. I'm not used to threeways, or guys watching from the closet, or conference calls.
Tina: Oh don't be intimidated, we just set up this group call because it's the easiest way for all of us to talk. It's not like an actual business conference or anything.
Automated voice: MR. BEASLEY has entered the conference call.
Mr. Beasley: Murrr-dock! You're late for your 11:15 clusterfuck!
Marisa: Sorry, Mr. Beasley, my two o'clock here is running long.
Phil: Wait, your job is to have group sex with people? What's going on?
Mr. Beasley: Ah, is that you, Phil? Phil Jameson? I read your file this morning. We could use a man of your caliber here at the firm.
Phil: (flattered) Why thank you, Mr. Beasley I--(snaps out of it) No! No, I just want to tell Marisa I--
Marisa: Sorry, Phil, we have an important meeting now. Maybe Janice our secretary can pencil you in for an afternoon time tomorrow?
Phil: But I...
Automated voice: MARISA, KEITH, and TINA have left the conference call.
Phil: ...I love you.

Can someone tell me what this dream means?

2008-01-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

I keep having this dream where I'm at work, but I can't concentrate because one of my male co-workers is sitting in the corner masturbating. Whenever I look over he stares me in the eyes and whispers something in crazy backward speech. I try to touch him but I realize my arms are skeleton arms, and every time I approach him his face turns into the face of my deceased grandmother. I start bawling, and my skeleton hands start showing signs of stigmata. Suddenly an alien materializes and tells me it's not my fault, I can come back home now and Father didn't actually lose his legs in the war.

Anyways, my question is, the dream was in black and white and I heard that creative people dream in color. Does this mean I'm not creative? This is important because I like to tell people I'm creative.

My File-Sharing Lawsuit Nightmare

2008-01-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Judge: Mr. Duke Murder, for the illegal downloading of over 100 gigabytes of music, I sentence you to...four hours community service.
Me: Huh? That's it?
Judge: Yep, that's it. We searched your downloads folder and you got some pretty cool stuff. Brian Eno's Another Green World, My Bloody Valentine's You Made Me Realise EP, old Robert Johnson recordings--you've got good taste.
Me: Oh, well thank you, your honor. And trust me, I promise never to download ag--
Judge: (squinting at records) WAIT just a minute here. On March 12, 2005, you downloaded Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping." Then, just two days later, with your musical appetite not quite satiated, you downloaded a "Tubthumping" pub remix by Fatboy Slim-
Me: Uh, please, your honor, could we maybe go over these at another time and place? My family, girlfriend and pastor are all here and this is kinda embarrassing-
Judge: Silence! These records then indicate that when Moby's pub remix wasn't enough for your gluttonous tastes, you had to scour the internet for a "Tubthumping"/"Hey, Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" mash-up.
My mom: (crying) Where did my little boy go wrong?!
(several small children in the courtroom begin crying and are led out by a court officer)
Me: Uh, I can explain...you see, I only listen to those songs ironically and...
A Murderer Convicted For Skinning People Alive And Carving Swastikas Into Their Tongues: You make me sick.

Nobel Peace Prize - 1948

2008-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Judge: What have you got this year, sir?
Scientist 1: I call it the transistor. It's a small semiconductor device that, when placed in a circuit, can amplify or switch the electrical current on or off.
Judge: Hm, yes. So you've basically invented a tiny light switch?
Scientist 1: Well uh, no, it's actually much more complex and practical than that-
Judge: Right, well, good for you then. Moving along...oh my goodness, sir, what is this divine creation?!
Scientist 2: I call them "Dippin' Dots." They're like ice cream, but shaped into tiny balls.
Judge: Fascinating! It's like the ice cream of the future...and we could charge six dollars for a tiny cup of it at amuse-a-toriums!
Scientist 1: But sir, my invention could stand as the most important device of the 20th century! We could use these transistors to create complex integrated circuits for storing great quantities of data and-
Judge: (pinning blue ribbon on Scientist 2) I think we have a winner.

A Story About Something Really Funny that Happened to Me in High School

2008-01-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: THE NAMES OF SOME PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS AND EVEN ACTIONS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE INVOLVED.

So it's junior year, and I'm sitting in chemistry class with my buddy Thomas Jefferson. It's your typical boring day at St. Tyrannosaurus Rex High. Mrs. The Incredible Hulk is blabbing about covalent bonds, Megan Meganson is dressed like a slut, and star quarterback Todd Fartington is getting all the chicks. Suddenly my buddy Thomas Jefferson gets an idea. Why don't we hide Mrs. The Incredible Hulk's Bunsen burners in Canada? he says. Just as he says this, Stonewall Jackson burst in riding Ghost Rider's motorcycle, Todd Fartington killed a gnome, and Megan Meganson started crying because a hippo sneezed. Then I said "I guess that's why they call them covalent bonds!" and everyone laughed.

Great story, huh?

Dear Viagra,

2007-12-28T08:06:00.001-08:00

No matter how much Herbal Essence shampoo I put in my hair, I still cannot achieve an orgasm. Do you make a special pill for this?

Fact Attack!

2007-12-24T08:43:00.001-08:00

After a long day of Wiki-ing, here are some fun tidbits of info I would like to share:

-groundhogs are not actually hogs
-geese don't actually get goosebumps
-the Czech Republic is not actually Czech
-Phencyclidine is not actually a "cyclidine"
-a goat is not actually a horse

Atheists

2007-12-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

Setting: A cocktail party. Cocktail weenies are being served. This will come into play later.

Mary: Todd, I'd like you to meet my brother, Jeff. He's also an atheist.
Todd: Nice to meet you, Jeff. Were you at the last atheist convention in Copenhagen?
Jeff: No, actually, I went to the one in Oslo.
Todd: (disgusted) Oh, so you're an Eastern Orthodox atheist.
Jeff: At least we aren't watering down atheism for the masses like you shameless Reformed atheists.
Mary: Wait, I thought you guys just all didn't believe in a god and that's that, right?
Todd: Ha, if only it were that simple. You see, whereas your brother here believes that there is no God and never was one, the Reformed Church of Atheists believes that there was a God but he was killed by Noam Chomsky in a knife fight back in the 50s.
Jeff: (praying) Forgive him, God-who-doesn't-exist. He knows not what he says. Also, my non-existent Lord, I left you some milk and cookies on the table last night as a sacrifice, but since you aren't actually real, I succumbed to my desires and ate the cookies myself. Please forgive me and don't banish me to the subterranean fires of Hell, which science has proven don't exist. To repent for my evil deeds, I shall watch YouTube videos of Christopher Hitchens for six straight hours.
Todd: Oh here we go, another typical Eastern Orthodox move. Praying in public, trying to look like a big devout atheists in front of the non-non-believers. Real genuine, you charlatan!
(Max approaches them)
Max: Hey are you guys praying to the great Non-Existent One? You should come to my anti-prayer group this Tuesday night to celebrate the joy and blessing of his non-existence. There'll be fudge squares!
Jeff: Buzz off, you new age weirdo.
Todd: Yeah, now here's a retarded atheist.
Max: Very well, brethren, but remember--the forgiveness of the fake Lord is always real!
(he leaves)
Mary: What was that all about?
Jeff: Heh, Max is a Fundamentalist atheist.
Todd: Ha, the idiot believes that there was an omnipotent God, but he lost his powers to Satan in a game of Connect Four in 1985 and since then he's been working as a computer programmer in Cincinnati. It's an off-shoot of the Reformed denomination.
Jeff: So stupid.
Todd: Yeah, seriously.
Server: Would you gentleman like a cocktail weenie?

A Public Service Announcement

2007-12-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

The Murdbonez blog and all employees of Murdbonez are in no way affiliated with Murdbuger. Sorry for any confusion/disappointment this has caused.

Wiki Wednesdays - David Eckstein

2007-12-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

Not to try to steal any of Fire Joe Morgan's Eckstein thunder, but read the last sentence of the "College Career" section.

Now I don't hate David Eckstein. He seems like a nice guy, his entrance music is sometimes Crystal Method's "Busy Child," and, according to Wikipedia, his last name means "cornerstone" in German. Seems fine. However, I can't stand how overrated this guy's become thanks to a lot of bone-headed ESPN writers who praise him like he's Radio from that movie Radio or Rudy from that movie Willow. He's a very average-to-slightly below average baseball player! But because he's four feet tall, everyone's got such a soft sport for him, including Jews apparently, who voted him on their special All-American team even though he's a devout Catholic. Joe Morgan pulling this crap I can understand, but come on, Jews!

St John's College: Beginning Poetry Workshop - England, 1788

2007-12-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

Dear William Wordsworth,

I really enjoyed your poem! I think you are making a lot of progress this semester, and I am grateful to be assigned as your peer reviewer this week. I like that you write about nature a lot. I am often deeply moved by nature, too. Here are some comments I have on your poem.

Okay, now this is ultimately up to you, but I was thinking for the title, instead of "Unicorn Dream," you could maybe call it something like "Tintern Abbey" or "Lines Composed for Tintern Abbey" or I don't know, maybe even "Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the Banks of Wye During a Tour." I only say this because the poem seems to be about pensively looking at Tintern Abbey, and while "Unicorn Dream" has a dulcet ring to it, there are no references to a unicorn in your poem. Just a suggestion, though.

I think the beginning's very strong, though a few lines could maybe be improved. The setup for the second section is intriguing, though I think maybe instead of saying "But oft, in lonely rooms, and mid the din/Of towns and cities, I have felt sad," you could say something like

"Of towns and cities, I have owed to them,
In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart,
And passing even into my purer mind
With tranquil restoration: —feelings too
Of unremembered pleasure;"

Those are just some lines off the top of my head, they're probably nothing more than trite drivel, but if you don't feel they convey the speaker's swell of emotions better than the single word "sad," then by all means ignore my suggestion.

I like how you mostly use blank verse in this poem, though I would watch towards the end when you suddenly switch to a brief rhyming pattern in which you try to rhyme "And this green pastoral landscape, were to me/ More dear, both for themselves and for thy pie." Unless the speaker has been suppressing a hilarious Cockney accent for the majority of the poem and cannot help himself at this last line, I don't think this couplet rhyming "me" and "pie" will work. And again, this is another somewhat radical suggestion, but maybe instead of "thy pie" you wrote "thy sake"? It would do away with the rhyming scheme and keep the poem uniformly in blank verse, but also there's no previous mention of the speaker's sister owning a pastry in the poem.

That's it for comments this week! Again, I think you're getting much better. Oh, and one final piece of advice - maybe instead of having your poem written in the shape of an ice cream cone, you could separate it into stanzas and simply number each line. Again, this it totally your call, just a suggestion.

Sincerely,
Danny

An early draft of George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television"

2007-11-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

-Shit
-Farty
-Buttsack
-Tintinnabulation
-Isopycnic
-Honorificabilitudinitatibus
-A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk (seven times fast)

Wiki Wednesdays - My Favorite Doomsday Scenario

2007-11-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

Death by TI-83

Monster Battle

2007-11-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us," Godzilla said to Mothra, peering over the Legoland skyline.

Serial Killers

2007-11-26T16:50:00.000-08:00

Many people wonder why so many serial killers, as well as infamous John Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman, have cited J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye as such a huge motivation behind their killings. I decided to research this by leafing through "Catcher" CliffsNotes published in the late 1960s, around the time most of these killers were in high school. The results were surprising...but not in a “Whoa, that’s nuts!” way, more like an “Oh yes, I see” way:

CLIFFSNOTES ON:

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE - CHAPTER ONE

SUMMARY

In this chapter, we meet the narrator Holden Caulfield, a boarding school student who feels like he doesn’t fit in. Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in? It’s okay, we all do sometimes! Holden tells us he’s currently in southern California being held in an insane asylum. Ha, sometimes I think society’s the one that belongs in an insane asylum, am I right? Holden begins his story as a flashback from the December of the previous year, just after being expelled from Pencey Prep - most likely because he didn't blindly conform to their "rules" like a blind, ignorant sheep. Eat your grass, sheep, listen to the shepherd, sheep, do your homework, sheep, shower every day...that sorta thing. That corporate thing. Holden was kind of also expelled for flunking some classes. Then Holden visits Mr. Spencer, a teacher he liked.

COMMENTARY

The beginning of the novel is one of the most popular openings in American fiction. Salinger sets a very strong tone with his narrator, a tone that says, "Hey pal, I'm just like you. I'm your friend. No one else understands you except me because we're friends, man. And I don't care that you dropped out of college instead of going to law school like your rich, successful older brother Charles, a fact your parents rub in your face all the time. Also unlike your parents, I think it's cool that you ironically wear an army jacket to school as your 'thing.' I get you."

In this first chapter, we get a sense of Holden's isolation, particularly when he chooses not to attend the big football game. While he looks at the field from afar, he feels lonely, but he shouldn't because football's a phony game where men beat their chests to fool stupid, shallow women into having sexual intercourse with them. Besides, even if he did go, the football players would just make fun of his poems. Do you write poems? I bet you do. Really brilliant, beautiful poems that no one understands because they’re all phony. They probably make fun of your short fiction, too, and how it's dumb to write a science fiction story about a kid who ironically wears an army jacket and can read all the townspeople's minds, but when he tries to warn them they're all thinking phony thoughts they try to burn him in the town square but then the kid finds out he is actually an alien and his long-lost alien family comes to Earth and rescues him and takes him to their home planet where no one thinks phony thoughts. I bet the football players say that's stupid, but I don't think that's a stupid idea for a short story. Maybe they wouldn't think it was so stupid if they were dead.

In the first chapter, Salinger also uses some symbolism.

"Wiki Wednesday" Preview

2007-11-26T16:31:00.000-08:00

To plug my blog's newest installment "Wiki Wednesdays," in which I find utterly shocking/hilarious wiki pages, here's a taste of things to come...

I looked at this page for a long time and tried to be as PC and forward-thinking about this as I could, but I don't know what sort of statement Wikipedia is trying to make by having the main picture on the "Down Syndrome" page feature a child with DS trying to operate a power drill, or "assembling a bookcase" as they put it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_syndrome

Runner's World

2007-11-26T16:19:00.000-08:00

Whew, now that I got over the dreaded "first post" hump, it's time for some comedy, and, on Thursdays, my weekly insights on the Blackwater scandal. Here you go:

"Monthly Letter from the Editor of Runner's World"

Dear Reader:

As editor-in-chief of "Runner's World," I can whole-heartedly promise you that this issue is jam-packed with more articles on running than ever! Since our last issue, there have been amazing developments in the world of running, like Kenya's Abdul Gbala running a really fast 3200m time in Brussels, or Russia's Vladimir Oromov running a slightly faster 3200m time in Tokyo. Then Oromov ran even faster in the 1600m two weeks later in Athens. What a wild month!

It's our job to bring you the most up-to-date research on running, and our running analyst Greg Korver has certainly delivered with his article in this month's "Running Tips" column, titled "Speed Is Important, but Endurance Is Also Important." In his newest research, he stumbles across some findings that build off his column last month, titled "Moving Your Legs Faster Makes You Run Faster." It's like Greg's got a crystal ball that sees into the future of running!

Don't miss our exclusive interview with Olympic distance runner Tom Sanders, in which we ask Sanders some of the hardest hitting questions in the sport, like "What's more important for a runner, your legs or your face?" There's also a great investigative piece about a new shoe from Nike. The actual findings are pretty unsurprising, but there are many pictures of the shoe photo-shopped in space with lasers shooting around it.

We hope you enjoy this issue as much as we enjoyed running for a long time and then writing down how we felt. Also, look out for next month's issue, where we'll reveal our biggest fitness and weight loss secrets yet. Here's a hint—it has to do with low-cholesterol, low-carb dieting and proper vitamin intake. Oh wait, nevermind, it has to do with running more.

Sincerely,
Brent Matthews, Editor

First Post!

2007-11-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

What up!